Oh, there’s a plague going on.
It’s called dating apps.
There’s a dating app called Stumble On Bumble, or Hinder and Tinder.
They link up to Facebook. It makes it easier.
Well, you wouldn’t believe the amount of time women’s profiles have read something like this:
I have no idea why I’m 40. Facebook seems to always shave a few years off my age. I’m really 57.
The guy that puts it up there, he’s actually 75. Yet he goes, “I have no idea why I’m 21 years old. I just wanted to be picked up in the search engines for the girls that I like, 18 to 23. I have no idea how the 50 years disappeared.”
Blame it on Facebook.
It used to be, blame it on the alcohol.
Now, people blame it on the pictures Facebook puts up.
Guess what? That’s right. Facebook puts up pictures.
Facebook edits the pictures.
Facebook takes off the 25 pounds.
Facebook chooses the pictures for you.
Just blame it on Facebook! Everybody knows there’s a button on Facebook where you can change your age up to three times.
That makes no sense. Imagine that. You’re actually your age, and then one day you decide to change your age on Facebook.
Why exactly? Except to lie to people on online dating sites?
Because in reality, everybody on Facebook knows your age, because they’re all your friends, aren’t they now?
All 4,235 of those people that you don’t even know. They’re your friends. They know how old you really are.
They know they don’t look like the picture that you look like anymore.
They know, as a matter of fact, everything.
Just blame it all on Facebook. You see, Facebook is smart though. Facebook couldn’t care less about how many times you change your age.
They know everything about you.
For those of you that love to post things like, “Oh, great vacation in Hawaii. We’re still here for four more days, 17 hours, and 21 minutes.”
And then on there there’s a picture of your house three pictures below that. Hopefully my house will be okay when we’re gone. I heard there’s storms. And there’s the street that someone can just take the picture of that house.
Take that picture and put it into Google Images and find out exactly where you live. And they know that they have four days, 17 hours, and 23 minutes left to rob you.
Yes, again. Blame it on Facebook.
You can blame everything on Facebook.
Your child, who’s an honor student at a certain school, you can blame the creepy guy in the Scooby Doo van sitting outside your child’s school giving kids dirty looks because you posted it on Facebook.
Oh, you didn’t know that one of your 4,232 friends was a complete disgusting psychopath?
No, you just know all your friends, right? You know everybody on Facebook. Sitting in traffic? Blame it on Facebook.
Do you want to know why?
Because I guarantee you half the people in front of you are checking out their Facebook news feeds instead of paying attention to the traffic that’s in front of them.
No matter. Just blame it on Facebook. That’s what we need to do. Blame it all on Facebook. Blame your weight gain. Blame your lack of health on Facebook.
Blame everything on Facebook as Mark Zuckerburg looks at all of you and thinks to himself, damn am I making a lot of money being the villain here.
The post “Facebook Made Me Do It!” appeared first on David Wygant.