How many of you find yourself dating somebody or bringing somebody into your life that has to be around your children? I’m talking about single parents.
Let’s call them the step-boyfriends or step-girlfriends.
They’re not step-parents. They’re not a step-parent until they legally get married to you and they legally become part of the family.
Until then, they are just mommy’s sex toy or daddy’s sex toy. I’m putting it in a very raw term, but a lot of times it is just like that.
So, you’re a step-boyfriend or step-girlfriend.
Here are some of the rules of being a step-boyfriend or step-girlfriend, and here’s the number one things step-boyfriends or step-girlfriends need to not do.
You’re not their parent.
They already have a father or they already have a mother. You are not their parent.
And that means it’s not your job to parent or reprimand that child.
It’s the mother’s or the father’s job. You’re literally playing by the rules of the house, and you’re there in a role just to give more love to the child.
You’re not there to mold them, you’re not there to play father or mother.
You’re there just to be a positive, loving experience for the child.
But here’s really the biggest mistake the step-boyfriend or step-girlfriend does…
They become a buyer.
They start buying the child expensive gifts.
They buy gifts that the mother or the father should be buying, and if the mother or father can’t afford them, then they should be saving the money and teaching the child that you save to buy things.
I’ve seen the step-boyfriend or the step-girlfriend turn into the step-sugar daddy.
You’re teaching children some really weird things.
It’s usually the child who is being bought that ends up really connecting deeply with the step-boyfriend or the step-girlfriend.
The only play that the step-boyfriend or step-girlfriend has is the monetary play, which is teaching a child long-range habits that love should be bought.
Or the step-boyfriend/step-girlfriend is really supporting the household because the mother or father doesn’t want to spend their own money, because they’re a hustler, and they’re hustling the person that they’re with.
There’s lots of reasons, whether it’s a parent hustling the boyfriend or girlfriend so they don’t have to spend their own money, they may cry poverty at all times because they’ve chosen the life of not working and not making money or not having a good job.
Or the step-boyfriend or step-girlfriend just doesn’t bond with the kids, and the best way to bond with a kid, in their eyes, is to buy the child.
Whatever it is, you’ve got to look at your life. And if this resonates with you, or you have a friend in which this situation is taking place, you need to literally put an end to it, because you’re teaching children the wrong messages.
Not only that, you’re really setting up a really weird dynamic.
Because the father or the mother who’s being outdone may not do a thing.
They’re just going to look at it and go god, what an idiot.
What a sucker.
They’ll always take the high road.
They’ll say things like oh my god, he’s so generous, he’s so nice, that’s so sweet of him or her to buy that for you. Make sure you thank them.
It’s all about the high road.
Deep down, the kid is definitely going to have some weird habits moving forward.
Bond with children, play with them.
Spend time with them and teach them that things need to be earned.
You don’t just get an iPad for no reason.
You don’t just get a new bicycle for no reason.
You don’t just get a computer for no reason.
You don’t get a new wardrobe for no reason at all.
My daughter’s birthday is coming up and I told her I don’t want to get her any more toys or games or stuffed animals.
I’d like to start building up her special jewelry collection so she can remember when she gets older which birthday each beautiful necklace came from.
Memories are created through gifts, but most importantly, they’re also created through experience.
So don’t buy children’s love.
Create experiences for them doing things, talking to them.
And if you’re a step-boyfriend or step-girlfriend, just have experiences with them.
I was at my friend’s house a couple weeks ago and the step-girlfriend was playing and drawing for hours with the girls. Something the mother doesn’t have patience for.
So she’s filling a role that the kids need because they need to be able to work and co-parent together.
If you work and co-parent together, everybody works as a team.
When the team is working together, guess what happens?
The child gets its needs filled from both the father and the step-boyfriend, and the mother and the step-girlfriend.
You can all work together.
This is not a competition of who can buy the child the best things.
We live in a society now that has divorced-blended families. So it’s time to really just blend and enjoy the blending and make the most of it.